4 Stages of Marriage

By: Jodi Aiken

“I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” Song of Solomon 6:3, NASB

The moment I saw him roll through the door on his skates, I was awestruck. His body language spoke of confidence and his presence caused my heart to skip a beat or two. I wondered if I would have an opportunity to know him, be friends, or perhaps date him.

My wonder eventually became a reality! Our passion for one another drove us to do whatever it took for us to be together. Therefore, like two crazy-in-love teens, seventeen and eighteen years old, we met at the church altar and said “I do” before God, family, and friends.

That was over thirty-four years ago! I remember it as though it happened yesterday. Truth be told all we knew about marriage was what we did not want it to be like:

Rule #1: We would not yell.

Rule #2: Divorce would never become a topic of discussion.

We broke rule number one a few times. 😉

I don’t claim to know everything there is to know about marriage. I’m still on the learning curve but over the years, I have noticed four distinct stages in marriage:

Passion
Flourishing
Decline
Dormancy

It goes something like this:

Passion: For most couples, there will be a long stretch of passionately pursuing one another. Everything is new for the first year or two.

Over the course of time, you find yourselves flourishing in life. Things are clicking; you’re productive and fruitful. Being together is joyful and fun and creates an energy you don’t want to end.

As you drift from flourishing, you may find yourself in a declining stage. This happens when the exclusive, personal attention a couple is used to becomes divided among many things. Children, jobs, ministry, interests, and obligations begin to change the priorities of the marriage.

Complacency settles in disguised as a security blanket, and the relationship begins to navigate on autopilot.

Then it hits you! Your love for your spouse has faded and you have entered into the dormancy stage.

You have lost intimacy, connection, and fulfillment in your marriage. Perhaps you evaluate your life and wonder how you ended up here. Fear begins strumming on your heartstrings playing “what if” lyrics.

As your eyes open to the reality, you plead before the Lord to bring renewal to your marriage.

You resolve to never get to this place again and renew your passion for your spouse.

Does any of that sound familiar to you?

What stage of marriage are you currently in?

Regardless of the stage, God created you to be your husband’s helpmate and desires for you both to thrive in your marriage. He knows that the enemy of busyness and complacency crouches at the door of your coveted relationship seeking to destroy it.

God has given us an incredible love story in the book of Song of Solomon to glean insight. It’s a romantic pursuit of two lovers desiring to be together.

The phrase used in Song of Solomon 6:3, “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine” is a banner over their marriage that conveys to one another and their community that they are one and are passionately in love. They were secure in their relationship.

However, not long into their marriage, the woman grows complacent missing an opportunity to be with her man. When she realizes what has happened, she resolves to find her husband and reconnect. You can find the story in chapter five.

No matter how secure you are in your marriage don’t let your guard down! Keep pursuing your soul mate, and never take their love for granted. Friend, no one is immune to temptation.

We are all one decision away from messing everything up!

So, what can you do to guard your marriage in either of these stages?

Be intentional!

It sounds elementary; however, it is packed with a powerful force that protects your love, respect, and affection for one another from slowly fading away.

If you find yourself stuck in the Decline or Dormancy stage, it takes intentionality to move forward. Be intentional to:

Make time for each other.
Have conversations about what is on your heart.
Extend grace more often. Assume the best rather than the worst of one another.
Don’t always take each other so seriously and make room for laughter.
Flirt with each other like you did when you first married.
Meet one another’s needs.
Go on a date without your children.
Renew your commitment to notice each other in a special way daily. i.e., hug, kiss, hold hands, text, send a note…get creative.

Be intentional in showing one another and others that you are your beloved’s, and your beloved is yours.

As I mentioned earlier, I do not pretend to have “marriage” all figured out. Marrying at such a young age meant we had to grow up together. It was up to us if we would grow into one as God designed. Over time we created another rule for our marriage.

Rule #3: Always be intentional to work on our relationship.

It has served us well over the years and I am confident it will do the same for you. I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

*Sometimes “pennies in your path” show up in your marriage.

P.S.

Question: What stage of marriage are you in?

Growing Deeper-

One Action Step: Choose to be intentional this week by making time for one another or extend grace by assuming the best rather than the worst of your spouse, or flirt like you did when you dated, or meet your spouse’s need that speaks love to them. Whatever you do, be sure to do something life-giving to your spouse.

Scripture Plunge: Song of Solomon 6:3

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