Written by Michelle Mackall
Wonderful counselor, helper, protector, refuge, strength, deliverer, healer! Sixteen-year-old me knew the attributes of God, but the people-pleasing, Jesus-loving girl could not wrap her heart around the truth of the words for a heart’s knowledge. I smiled to the world to hide the broken girl I was inside. I wanted to trust God but trusting meant surrendering control and giving up my guarded self-protection.
Church was a part of my life from a very young age. I accepted the Lord as my Savior at the age of seven. But another big event also occurred that year; my mother had her first of two mental breakdowns. I remember seeing her in the hospital, and she did not know I was her daughter. It was very confusing to the young girl I was, no matter how hard adults tried to explain it. And with her breakdowns, church was removed from our life.
At the age of thirteen, my parents divorced. My brother and I were often trapped in the middle, never knowing what would incite words that left us feeling guilty for loving the other parent.
On my sixteenth birthday, my brother signed his final enlistment papers for the United States Navy, and on that day, I started a diet that became a twelve-year battle with an eating disorder.
I felt that if I had just been “good” enough, I would have stopped losing people in my life. And although I had returned to the church with my grandmother at the age of fourteen, pleasing Jesus took a backseat to being “good” enough and keeping order of all things to feel in control.
Have you been there, friend, doing something destructive in your life to feel in control?
As I fought to believe with my heart, as scripture came alive, God has taken me on a journey of trusting Him, realizing He was a refuge and counselor, and that He and He alone is worthy of our trust. Scripture tells us this truth in Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”
Overcoming an eating disorder has nothing to do with being thin but everything about control. And to do battle, Jesus brought me face to face with the grief and pain of my childhood that the eating disorder allowed me to ignore.
Jesus began to chip at the protective walls around my heart to show me that He had been with me every step and in every hurt. God was not only healing me, but He was at work for His plans for me, building within me wisdom, discernment, empathy, and compassion that would be helpful to my husband in ministry.
Jesus the Healer allowed me to see that it was Satan that wanted me broken and in bondage to the fear, insecurity, and hurt that was rampant in my life. What Satan would have used to keep me broken, God planned to use for good, as is evident in the scripture of Jeremiah 29:11-13.
Even as I write this, I am reminded of current circumstances in my life that part of me desires to control. When I go through trials and tribulations, or one of my loved ones struggles, my people-pleasing tendencies tend to kick into full gear. But instead of seeing the negative of the battle, I have learned to understand my weakness as a way of trusting the Lord for my strength. I am living proof of the truth 2 Corinthians 12:9 conveys, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. God does not see me as weak; He sees me as His beloved child that He is making strong enough to stand in the storm. As a Christ-follower, He wants you to understand this for yourself as well.
Never have I felt that more than a few years ago in a storm I would never want to relive, but time with God I would never have wanted to miss; a sovereign God who is trustworthy and makes beauty from ashes. To grant those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes… (Isaiah 61:3) Ash is ugly, a mound of gray flakes. But picture Jesus transforming the gray flakes into color that is woven into a vibrant and beautiful headdress. When we surrender control and trust God in the storms of life, we get a front row seat to the beautiful headdress God is creating for us.
Maybe today, a past or current storm in life has you struggling to trust the attributes of God with a heart’s knowledge. Press in with prayer and scripture, even if it does not feel authentic; God knows your heart’s desire to trust Him more. God will meet you there in the broken and messy places of your heart. He loves you, is trustworthy, and is waiting to transform your ashes into beauty.
*Sometimes “pennies in your path” show up in a “aha” moment.Â
P.S.
Question: Are you ready to release control so God can be in control?
Growing Deeper-
One Action Step: Allow God to have access to your heart. Confess to the Lord your struggle about allowing Him to be in control. Ask Him to help you release (you fill in the blank). Be still before Him as you receive His grace and comfort.
Scripture Plunge: Psalm 46:1, Jeremiah 29:11-13, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Isaiah 61:3,
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